Wednesday, April 20, 2011

BASICS SERIES -- Getting Started

Before you put on your leather pants, grab that 4-foot Snake Single Tail Whip and go on the prowl for the perfect Dominant or submissive, it’s imperative to understand a few basics about the world of BDSM).  

Nothing is more basic than that learning your alphabets—or acronyms in this case. BDSM literally stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism. However, within the community, it is a catchall phrase for dominance and submission and the Power Exchange.  

Though it’s often said that BDSM is the one lifestyle that has no rules except the ones you make for you and your partner, there are a few guidelines which the community observes as a whole and which makes for safe practices.  These guidelines are also the standard by which we can easily differentiate Dominance and submission from domestic violence—something no one desires in their relationships. 

The underlying golden rule of BDSM is the practice of SSC or RACK. SSC stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual.  Without it you have abuse!  SSC is drilled into novice (newbies as they’re called) to remind them that although BDSM is as much fun as setting them free at the mall (the Leather Mall—in this case) with an unlimited VISA card, it’s imperative to be conscious of your actions and those of anyone you plan to engage with and it’s imperative to be realistic about those choices.

 Of course, we don’t all like to play it SAFE, do we?  For those more adventurous players, as well as everyone in between, there is RACK—Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  In essence, you’re acknowledging the fact that even though you don’t plan to injure your partner, you are both aware that there ARE some inherent elements of risk involved in anything you do whether it’s emotional or physical.  Kind of like jaywalking!  You know you could get hurt but you do it anyway—and it’s such fun isn’t it? Being naughty? Getting away with it? Not conforming to rules. Being a little adventurous.   

I want to make a distinction here between injuring someone and hurting them. No Dominant wants to injury his/her submissive; however, hearing their submissive cry out in pain and seducing them to take more is a thrill that’ll make your toes curl in delight. It’s the ability to blend just the right about of pain with sensual pleasure that leads to an erotic release that has submissives coming back for more and Dominants happy to oblige. Yet this is a topic for another time and will be covered in our PLEASURE & PAIN section.  And yes, for those of you noticing, I am purposely capitalizing the D in Dominants. It’s a sign of respect to do such in written form.

 Now let’s talk about the SAFEWORD. A Safeword is an agreed upon word that will call a halt to the Scene.  (What you’re doing.) The Safeword is used by either the submissive or the Dominant.  It is their way of saying they need to stop; whether it’s to fix something before continuing, stop a particular activity, or end the Scene altogether. Typically it is the submissive that calls the Safeword.  The Safeword  cannot be “Stop”, “No”, or “Don’t”. These are words we typically say when feeling guilty about an erotic sensation, emotion or thrill.  For instance, have you ever told your partner, “Don’t.  Stop.”  If you say it fast enough it takes on a totally different meaning, doesn’t it? Thus these words aren’t good to use.  However you can use any word you don’t commonly use in a sentence.  For example: pumpernickels,  Beatle Juice, or Pegasus.  Something a bit obscure that you’ll remember.  Then again, the fall back is using the street lights as an indicator of how the submissive is coping and the Safeword.  For instance:  Red, Yellow, Green. Red means stop.  Yellow means you’re limits are being pushed and the Dominant may want to lighten up or realize that your getting close to calling a halt to the Scene.  Green means everything is great, don’t stop!

I’ll talk more about an individual’s limits, the distinctions between Dominant, submissive and Switch, as well as continue to provide you with valuable information and insight into this uniquely erotic lifestyle as we continue our BASICS SERIES.  For those of you that are more advance in your knowledge, review our upcoming PLEASURE & PAIN section coming soon. 

Live with passion,

Doctor Charley…

Monday, April 18, 2011

Relationships in BDSM

Courtesy Latina Kama Sutra

Though they resemble their vanilla cousins to a large extent, Dominance and submission relationships differ greatly based not only on the Power Exchange dynamics   involved but based on the level of open communication and the willingness of each individual to   open themselves up to their partner. This amazing mixture of acceptance, affection, exploration and  vulnerability are the foundation of every healthy and long lasting BDSM relationship.

It’s imperative to understand that Dominance and submission is NOT domestic violence! It is two or more consensual adults engaging in a Power Exchange activity which they BOTH derive pleasure from. In a domestic violence situation, there is no consent by the individual (male or female) being victimized.

The most amazing essence of a Dominance and submission relationship isn't
the erotic thrills or the "whips and chains" as most would believe it's the communication. Dominants and submissives in a relationship speak about everything! Whereas most men and women entering into a vanilla relationship withhold information about their desires and sexual needs because they fear rejection or ridicule, in a Power Exchange relationship, these individuals candidly share their most embarrassing desires, their fears of abandonment, their fears of failure and never being good enough, their need for love and most importantly what these issues look like are immediately addressed.  Granted the submissive typically opens him or herself up more so than the Dominant in this respect because let's face it who wants a wimpy Dominant—besides don’t forget there is a power dynamic at work here. However it is through these revelations, this baring of the soul by both individuals that the foundation of the relationship is established.

This doesn't mean that the submissive or the Dominant won't decide somewhere
along the line that this relationship isn't for them or that fears won't sometimes crop up and create obstacles, yet because of their willingness to be honest and bare their needs and in essence their soul and psyche to their partner this couple reaches a level of intense emotional connection much faster and I dare say, vastly deeper, than conventional relationships.  I speak more on this topic in my new book, BDSM—The Naked Truth. This book not only provides you with a uniquely candid insight into Dominance and submission relationships, it shares some of the pitfalls and difficulties faced by individuals engaged in this vastly misunderstand lifestyle.  BDSM—The Naked Truth is the SM 101 for the new millennium. 

Now just because Dominance and submission relationships are open it doesn't mean they don't have their own hurdles to overcome. The very fact that you're engaging in such emotional and psychological areas actually creates a whole host of different problems-obstacles-to deal with such as insecurities, fears, abandonment issues, jealousy, dependency issues, and even
timing/pacing of how the relationship should progress. Sound familiar? It should. These are the same exact obstacles which arise in vanilla relationships, only now they'll be addressed immediately and not overlooked or left to resolve themselves. Well, at least we hope that's what will happen.

Now imagine all the possibilities which can arise when you have two consenting adults who are this open and honest in their relationship. Talk about amazing characters to create.

Live with passion, 

Dr. Charley…

Join us next time when we continue discussing the pitfalls, obstacles, and benefits in our section on: Relationships in BDSM. This lifestyle is vast and there’s so much to cover. It always helps me to know what you’d like to know so I can address it. Please share your comments and questions.

Want to Pre-Order your copy of BDSM—The Naked Truth send us an email and we’ll let you know when it’s ready in paperback and E-book. Published by Etopia Press.  Anticipated release:  June 17, 2011

**Interested in writing on this topic and/or sharing information on writing in this genre please contact us at:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

My first Blog---WELCOME

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen--Friends in Pleasure,


I’d like to take a moment to thank you for joining me.  As I start this new Blog, I find myself excited about this new adventure where I will discover many things about writing, romance, and myself as we share and grow together.  It’s my hope to provide you with all the information you need on the topic of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism) and sexuality and become your #1 Resource for all things related to this erotic and unique lifestyle; and the one you’ll recommend to all your friends and fellow writers.   

To share a little about myself, I’ve been a Clinical Sexologist and Sex Therapist for the past 13 years.  My first book won the Literary Hall of Fame Award for Best Self-help Book 2002 and since then I’ve written eight(8) more books on sexuality and relationships. Though I don’t consider myself a “romance writer”, I much prefer to read those wonderful stories then write them, I have written and published two books on BDSM “romance” under a pen name—but we’ll keep those a secret.  I also produce a television show called PLEASURE and am the Sex Expert for various radio shows such as Michael Baisden on KISS FM, and various magazines and newspapers in both English and Spanish.  I teach Psychology and Human Sexuality courses as Rutgers University and have a private practice in which I provide general counseling and Sex Therapy.  I also conduct telephone consultations and coaching.  I also created a Dominance and Submission Coaching/Therapy model to help individuals embrace their desires in this lifestyle.  I share this with you to reassure you about my qualifications in the area of BDSM and sexuality.   

In 2010, I attended Authors After Dark hosted by Stella Price because I wanted to meet and interview my favorite author, Joey W. Hill. (BTW this is an awesome event which I would recommend to everyone!)  While there, I was invited to sit on the BDSM Panel and help normalize this unique lifestyle for participants.  I was honored to join my favorite author as well as others writing in this genre.  After the Panel, I met Annie Melton, the Publisher of Etopia Press who asked me if I’d consider writing a book specifically for authors on BDSM.  A few months later, I not only wrote one but two books:     BDSM for Writers:  The Ultimate Guide to Writing Believable BDSM Romances, and BDSM The Naked Truth.  Wow…I was shocked!  I never thought my desire to meet an author would lead to publishing two new books.  It’s amazing how small the world really is and how one desire and one question can leads to so much more.  It’s only fitting that the books’ debuts occur where it all began—at the Authors After Dark 2011 event. 

As I wrote BDSM for Writers, I thought about all the wonderful possibilities and what else I wanted to share with you, as authors, and how my desire to educate others on sexuality issues could help serve you.  I came up with the idea of conducting a BDSM for Writers Conference which we are currently working on and which will be exclusively for authors, providing you with panel discussions on dominance and submission along with hands-on workshops, events, and even publisher/agent appointments.  Plus, because this is a topic near and dear to my heart, the Institute of Pleasure is hosting a writers contest on BDSM romance called Sensual Sedition.  I will provide more about the Conference and the Author’s Contest on a later blog.

For now, I just want to touch bases and get your opinion on what you’d like to see on this website. I am opening the floor (so to speak) to you and asking you to help me achieve my goal of becoming your ultimate resource on BDSM and sexuality information.  Please feel free to pose questions, comments, and ideas on what you’d like to see and discuss.  I’m also in the process of building a website for BDSM for Writers which will also provide articles, interviews, and shows on this topic and much more.  Until then, you can visit my business website  I’m currently searching for a webmaster to help me build the BDSM for Writers website and help with my main one so if you know anyone who’s GREAT and doesn’t charge you an arm and a leg—or two Spankings and a Whip (smiles) —please  refer them to me.

Once again, thank you for joining me.  I look forward to our new adventure.    

Live with passion,

Dr. Charley Ferrer

Sensual Empowerment Specialist
Clinical Sexologist, Author, Talk Show Host
Executive Director
Institute of Pleasure
(718) 916-4124 (If this link does not open, please type it in yourself) 
Books by Dr. Charley Ferrer
NEW!  BDSM for Writers: The Ultimate Guide to Writing Believable BDSM Romances
NEW!  BDSM—The Naked Truth
The Latina Kama Sutra -- Nominated for Best Sexuality Book 2006/2007
The W.I.S.E.  Journal for the Sensual Woman -- Awarded Best Self-Help Book 2002
The Passionate Latina:  In Our Own Words
Sex Con Sabor Latina (A play)

In Spanish:
NEW!  La Latina Kama Sutra: El Guía  Absoluto Para Citas, Sexo, y Placeres Eróticos
Para La Mujer Sensual – Best Self-Help Book 2002
New Books Coming soon:
Sexploring:  30-Days to a Better Sex Life 
Body & Soul:  An Intimate Look at Black Men's Sexuality 
Sex Repairs :  The Quick Fix to Women’s Sexual Problems
The Latin Lover:  The Truth About Religion, Sex, & Machismo